terça-feira, 9 de maio de 2017

Meu bem,

você foi a primeira pessoa que partiu o meu coração,
e na época me pareceu apropriado retribuir o favor.

Não que você me deva nada ou que alguém deva alguma coisa a alguém,
mas às vezes você faz falta,
e eu queria saber por onde você anda.

Porque você sumiu, meu bem, sumiu feito a fumaça que escorre das nossas mesas de bar,
sumiu dos encontros aleatórios
porque se tem uma coisa que essa cidade não permite é que o karma siga,
e as pessoas se percam,
e se você pisca de repente ali está um ex sentado de costas pra sua mesa.

Eu não te dei oi daquela vez e foi isso,
quebrei o encanto o feitiço
e você não apareceu mais;
é como se a vida soubesse e dissesse que não, você pode negar o nome no espelho
uma vez apenas e nunca mais,
então você parou de aparecer nas festas e meditações e cervejas descompromissadas de quinta a tarde.

Eu queria te dizer que eu fui,
realizar os nossos sonhos sozinha
e que você não pode me julgar por isso porque você fez o mesmo e fez antes,
e que foi tudo o que a gente queria e não foi nada disso,
e que eu dancei com meu melhor amigo no segundo andar de um pub em Amsterdã,
e que aplaudi o sol numa praça,
isso pra te dizer que quem eu fui e quem eu sou estão em paz,
e não se arrependem de nada,
tirando talvez não ter te cumprimentado naquele dia;

E também - contra a minha própria vontade quase -
eu queria dizer que você estava certo e eu estava errada,
e eu te odeio por isso,
mais do que se você tivesse errado comigo,
mas que também te respeito muito mais de qualquer forma

e me parece mesquinho
te julgar por fazer a coisa certa do jeito errado tantos anos depois,
não eu que faço tanto errado do jeito certo,
ou errado errado
e fica por isso mesmo;

eu não estou dizendo que volte, meu bem,
ou que te quero ainda -
quis menos ou mais com o passar dos anos
e me resta somente dúvida -
ou que te amo ainda -
mas a verdade é que nunca na vida que eu desamo -

só queria saber se era pra mim o bendito poema,
ou não, quero que me diga,
que era meu sim,
porque aí eu guardo pra sempre a imagem de você me vendo passar comendo pipoca,
(apesar de saber melhor que você,
que eu não como pipoca);

eu queria te culpar por levar o poema embora,
e a cena que eu amava,
porque mesmo que não seja pra mim me parece justo que eu mereça um sonho,
uma dedicatória imaginada,
pra mim que em seu nome escrevi tanto;

eu não estou dizendo que volte, -
mas que em algum ponto desse ano eu lanço um livro novo,
e que você poderia ir para compensar pelo outro -
que você talvez nem tenha lido -
(e que pena, meu bem,
que você viva uma vida sem saber,
o quanto eu era devotada a você);

o que eu estou dizendo, o que eu estou dizendo,
não é que volte,
ou volte talvez,
mas que me mande uma nota,
ou o convite do seu casamento,
porque a mim só resta mandar sinais de fumaça,
que se percam no vento atrás de você,

a mim só me resta
vestir um vestido preto
e andar por aí comendo pipoca.

quarta-feira, 5 de abril de 2017

on existence

so maybe we are
both right
and our collective lives are nothing but
a drop of spit
in a infinite well of existential void;

but that only makes me more grateful
that we got to share
the same insignificant drop
in an eternity of time and space
we were within reaching distance in the same
space rock;

they could prove there's no absolute good or evil
and all notion of value is inherently flawed
and I'd still believe that you were
the best thing
to ever happen to our spit drop;

and maybe there's no permanence in anything we accomplish,
but I take comfort in the fact that you seem to like me,
and so much,
so even if the next generations never hear of it,
and none of my personal fantasies
become a reality,
I'll live with the knowledge that the overall
best person around
has loved me
within a particular limit of space and time;

and yes,
the universe is vast and terrifying
beyond human reasoning
and yet I could not fathom any form of life
without your existence;

and the unanswerable mysteries of life
pressure me from all sides
with unyielding might,
and I still write poetry in the shower about how
your hands are deft and sure and
all your features are hard but
when you smile everything about you turns soft and
it feels so nice I could die;

and all this means that
I would spend countless hours
of the infinitely small share
that we get
trying to make you laugh.

quinta-feira, 27 de outubro de 2016

to amsterdam

you said you liked to go out
when days were like this
I don't - i hate it - it goes against everything my latin blood screams

but I feel oddly connected
to you
to then and there
through the darkened sky
and falling rain

and I go back to that night
but tell me
if you turn your ears
to the howling wind
tell me
can you hear a whistle sound?

sexta-feira, 24 de junho de 2016

Tread lightly,

tread lightly,
she said
you're safe tonight
in your own arms

tread lightly, then
because they'll catch you
before you even fall

and if I could draw
I'd paint you like that
the skirt in the wind and cigarette smoke
and crooked fingers on a slender hand

and we'd be there in the sidewalk,
the silent espectators of us
green and black and pink and blue
half-finished beer and nail polish

so tread lightly,
I said,

because you stand on holy ground.

terça-feira, 24 de maio de 2016

The Complete Adventures of Fantasy Girl (parte 5)

Fantasy Girl folded back her wings,
astounded by how comfortably they fit.
She slid down her legs and her feet,
and let her body fall into the pit.

She didn’t land with a crash but with a splash,
and went into the water deep deep deep.
She dived until it was fully dark,
and then she could go up again,
feeling brand new.

Fantasy girl swan to the shore and there she was,
the darkest creature ever born.
A massive awful dark void,
the saddest thing she’d ever seen,
there was the dead thing.

For a while she didn’t dare approach,
until she saw two dogs guarding the beast.
‘It must be safe’, she thinks,
‘Right now it must be asleep’.

Fantasy Girl called out to the dogs
and they replied with a smile.
‘What are you two doing here,
sitting by this dreadful thing?’
‘Well, we must stay’
‘For we guard the dead thing’

‘You are her protecting it then?’
‘Well, no’
‘We’re protecting everybody else.’
‘But it’s dead! What harm can it do?’
‘Ah but you see, it’s dead but sometimes’
‘It’s also awake.’

‘It’s so huge! What could the two of you do if it awakens?’
‘We feed it with fish’
‘Until it goes back to sleep’.
‘There’s not much to fear. Look closely and you’ll see’.
She approached with cautious steps,
only to find that the dogs were right.
It was a sad, heavy, tiresome thing,
and Fantasy Girl suddenly felt very sorry for it.

‘It sounds like a terrible job to guard this thing’.
‘When there’s two of us’
‘It’s not as bad as it seems’.
‘But you don’t need to stay with us and this.
Go to the house down the shore and find something to eat.’

‘You’d probably get tired here with just fish’.

terça-feira, 26 de abril de 2016

snap snap

I wanted you
from the first time I saw your face

we hadn't met,
hadn't talked
but inside me that restless voice

I want want want want

It's quite a relief
that you wanted me too
despite the girl on my lap,
despite your love far away,
despite my instincts' mistrust

I want want want want
and you wanted me too

oh and I remember two stray feelings in your bed
I remember thinking I was going mad
literally lost barking mad
but oh so willing to get there

and if the world ended there and then,
I'd be content
It's a petty stupid feeling but there
the sun hit us lying on your white bed
and the world ended

I wanted to want your body, you see,
and you wanted to love me,
but we are who we were,
so instead
we crashed
and burned

sometimes I wonder
if I'll wake up and be forty and lying on my own bed
thinking about the boy that made me feel like no one else
if you're divorced yet
because you know that if you snap your fingers
I'd be there
forty or twenty one or thirty two or a hundred eight
(and it's for the best of us that your fingers have given up their snapping days)

and if you put a gun to my head and made me tell,
I'd say that of course,
no two kisses are the same
but yours, love
yours was something else

not the best, you see,
not quite my favorite but something else.

and I think we are
past lovers who have been killing each other for generations,
and we're the incarnation that redeems the karma.
this time we don't stay, love,
this time no one dies.

we must have been fucking the last twenty lives.

because there's no way,
no way we only met this time around.

you could snap your fingers,
love,
but maybe you should save it for another time.

we're not meant to be love this time we're meant just to love 
this time we save each other
this is the time we go home love 
so please please just don't snap

domingo, 24 de abril de 2016

The Complete Adventures of Fantasy Girl (part 4)

‘You won’t be stuck for long. But you’re here now,
so why don’t you look around?
It’s true it’s a pit, but the view you get down here,
You’d never get up in the sky.’

Fantasy Girl looked around and found herself surrounded
By weird and unknown flowers
And discovered that while she wasn’t looking,
a green bird had perched on her shoulder.

‘And don’t worry too much about getting out.
You know how to leave, but all your good ideas
are trapped in your toes;
maybe you should start looking at things upside down.’

She felt silly alright,
But hung upside down as far as her legs
would allow, and let the ideas flow
to her head, all the way from her toes.
‘You keep trying to find a way out,
but the answer is letting go.
You don’t need a leap of faith,
what you need is to finish the fall.’

‘I guess I can let go,
if you say so.
But what about you? You’re a cat!’
‘Being a cat is the best to lounge,
and lounging is what I’m doing now.
If I need to do something else,
I’ll just stop being a cat,
and start being something else.'